Had an interesting conversation with my mom yesterday. Late teen years and early college weren't exactly a great time for me and my parents. Culminating in a rather large fight with my mom right before I left for Alaska for 4 months. (Remember that JT? Too much chocolate cake at Gorton's house, fight with my mom, skateboarding, then me puking.)
After that, the last decade has been pretty much small talk. Key points of the talk yesterday:
1. My mom described our relationship as shallow. Admission is the first step, right?
2. My mom explains that she thinks everything was "my fault" and related to her "loving me too much" and my "young manhood need to pull away" and other psycho-babble. I thought it was interesting she had only thought of the problems in terms of me. And I told her that. Perhaps she'll try and think about it in a more balanced way.
3. I was able to describe my approach to my relationship with them. I realized 10 years ago the only way to have a civil relationship was to stay on the shallow level. Ask my mom about her recent sub jobs and laugh at my dad's jokes - nothing more. And, that's exactly what has happened. See point 1.
4. She explains that since you don't choose your children's personalities, you may not always "harmonize" with them. She explains it would take time and energy to have a relationship. And she intimates that she's not really willing/interested in taking that time/energy. Apparently, she'd rather save that for shopping for their new condo.
Will anything good come from that conversation? Who knows. Realizing in their declining years that they have basically no relationship with their children is interesting, but rather late. Too late? Unknown. I think that's up to them.
The parent/child relationship is fascinating. I'd guess both expect more out of each other than either can deliver. I'd argue that delivering isn't what is really important, but rather communicating about what can and can't be done.
Posted by heyhansen at October 24, 2003 10:04 AMIt's the hard stuff in life that's worth doing. That said, sometimes you need to access an individual's abilities and love them despite their failings.
Posted by: d at October 24, 2003 02:09 PM