My Uncle on Women:
"Well, when you get to be my age, a mountain still looks like a mountain, a tree still looks like a tree, and a woman still looks like a woman"
My dad on his attraction to women and general horniness (if such a word can be used to describe one's 71 year old father):
"I'm not below average, I can tell you that!"
My Aunt when she was tired of the conversation:
"My, it's a beautiful day"
My dad when he's tired of one:
"So this one Far Side has these two deer..."
My dad on what to do to misbehaving children:
"whomp 'em!"
If they keep crying?
"whomp 'em again!